


Loops

by animevampire21



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, evangelion rebuild
Genre: M/M, Manga, karl - Freeform, loops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-03
Updated: 2013-10-03
Packaged: 2017-12-28 08:32:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/989930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animevampire21/pseuds/animevampire21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I decide then that I want to see Shinji. I want to convince him that I love him and I want him to return my feelings. I walk up to the borders of what I think lilith call heaven and press my hand in it. What I’m doing is a sin. A sin that no angel is aloud to commit, a crime for angels… almost. God does not punish angels if they do so. Apparently breaking this rule will only bring you despair. I don’t care if it means seeing Shinji again it means hope does it not?<br/>I then push my whole body in. This is how the loops started…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loops

**Author's Note:**

> A birthday present to lord-drone because she is awesome!!!

I stand there my head thumping. “Shinji you ass, ya’ could’ve been more gentle” I laugh to myself rubbing my head. I feel happy, which considering what just happened I know that I probably shouldn’t. Shinji didn’t hate me, he said he didn’t hate me. Yes! That thought made those nine days of horror worth it. Aahh because Shinji didn’t hate me. He didn’t love me like I loved him but… well… at least he held feelings for me.

I stare into the obis. A place full of dead angels… how depressing. I really have no desire of being here. I watch as all the angels fly about without a care in the world. They like it here. They don’t need to fight and I, Tabris, no I Kaworu know that really none of them enjoy the pointless battle on earth. A man who wanted to have his revenge on god. Such a man deserved pity on was the thoughts all of these angels share. I, however do not. It was that man who made shinji the broken lilith he is today. I don’t like seeing him that way, yet why is that, even now do I posses that feeling of love towards Shinji?

I decide then that I want to see Shinji. I want to convince him that I love him and I want him to return my feelings. I walk up to the borders of what I think lilith call heaven and press my hand in it. What I’m doing is a sin. A sin that no angel is aloud to commit, a crime for angels… almost. God does not punish angels if they do so. Apparently breaking this rule will only bring you despair. I don’t care if it means seeing Shinji again it means hope does it not?  
I then push my whole body in. This is how the loops started…

I feel my body being ripped apart, its painful, very painful, yet the though of being near that self-absorbed Shinji made me warm inside. I wouldn’t be so direct, I understood now that by doing that it only made Shinji create a distance. Then again… what if Shinji is no longer the Shinji I knew? The possibility is there but it is not something I want to think of. Not now, not ever. Shinji will be just that Shinji that I’m sure of.  
I then wake up in a tube surrounded by the old men. I hate them. I move slightly as they speak to me. I pay no attention to their words. Excitement builds in my body… this time I’ll make Shinji happy… this time Shinji will love me.

This time I died before I even met Shinji.  
I felt my heart being crushed. How unfair.

I wake up in a hospital bed. The old men surround me again speaking there words of sacrifice. It’s depressing to listen to. I feel a smile grow on my face, this is different. I sit up and the old men send me to NERV. At first I panic that Shinji would not be here but then I spot him slumping down a corridor, depressed. I feel a spark of excitement light up in my heart. Shinji!

I run towards him and jump on to his shoulders exclaiming “Shinji-kun!” He is surprised by the sudden weight and topples to the ground with a large THUMP and small whimper. I look down laughing slightly “sorry Shinji-kun” I laugh, I feel a lot happier than I did last time I met Shinji because now I know he doesn’t hate me. He rubs the back of his head “oww” he mumbles in a small voice. He then glare up at me. “What the hell!? Who are you!?” He shouts at me and I feel my heart sink. He doesn’t remember me.

My smile fades but I offer him a hand “I’m Kaworu Nagisa, the new EVA pilot.” He takes my hand “oh, I’m Shinji Ikari though you already took it upon yourself to use my first name and use a lower horific.” I can’t help but feel like my teeth have actually been punched out my mouth. Dick move Shinji, dick move. I squint my eyes “well sorry!” I say, my sarcasm so obvious that Shinji couldn’t have not hear it even if he wanted too. “Whatever Nagisa Kaworu was it… ok Kaworu-kun what unit are you piloting?” My heart thumps loud as Shinji calls me my first name I then divert my eyes to the side. “Erm… Unit 3.” This cause Shinji to squint his eyes “but we already have a-” “ALERT ALERT EVERYONE TO THERE BATTLE STATIONS!” Shinji is interrupted by the alarm. 

The angel attack went strangely and for some reason my EVA was crushed. This caused my head to dis-attached from my body. It was a strange experience to say the least. It was extremely painful both physically and mentally. Shinji also died in that battle, that was the most painful thing of all.

I’ve been awake for a while now and its the first loop that I’ve been room mates with Shinji. He hogs the shower and last time I sneaked in he punched me. It was painful but at the same time that blush on his face ohhh~ it was worth it. This Shinji was alot more emotional in his sleep that the others. He’d wake up at night screaming and I have to comfort him. Tell him everything’s fine, at those moments he doesn’t care that a boy is hugging him he only cares about being safe. Ahaha self-centered as always eh?  
Then I feel confident enough (not that I wasn’t always confident but I learnt you have to give linen time they were fragile creatures) to kiss Shinji. I was surprised when he kissed back. Hugging me smiling and me whispering I love you. We killed all the angels but then I remembered I too was an angel. Shinji was deviated. I felt like shit. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” He screams in tears in his EVA. Every word is like a bullet. He hates me, he said he hates me. Yet I know deep down in my heart he was lying to me, no he was lying to himself but it hurt all the same.

Shinji couldn’t kill me instead I refuse to destroy the world and get shot down by STEEL’s men. I wanted Shinji to kill me but really am I asking to much? Yes most likely.

A few loops later I have grown softer. I’m depressed though and I can only bring Shinji happiness, for what to take it away again!? What was the point!? In this loop Shinji had no faith in himself and his eyes are blue. I find myself soothing him by small flirtations. What is the point though, I feel great when around Shinji but when I’m on my own the only thought is what is the point? Why do I keep failing!?

A couple of useless loops later brings us up to the first loop where I had years to plan ahead.  
At this point can no longer say I was the same as I was back then. I’ve learnt how fast I should go with Shinji, I have met bashful Shinji, shy Shinji, Shinji in many different states of confidence and depression. I have healed him to make him crumble again repeatedly. Again and again and again. This time I played the piano with Shinji. I watched the stars with Shinji. Then everything crumbled yet again the choker, that god dam choker exploded my head separating from my body yet again. Even though I failed I keep going. Hope will guide me to Shinji’s happiness Hard work will stop my deaths and finally faith will grant us our happily ever after because if not what shall become of me. Will I change again. Will I become evil perhaps… perhaps.


End file.
